Friday, October 4, 2013

Love Songs about Dwarves

So, one of the on-going arguments in fantasy gaming is "Do dwarven women have beards?" To which the answer is, of course, "The pretty ones do." I like for dwarven women to have beards because I think it emphasizes that they're an alien species, with a different conception of beauty than is common in human society. Elves are the little waif-fu human fantasies... dwarves are something else entirely, eschewing human notions of beauty for their own.

As the song says... Hairy face makes for Dwarven Beauty.

A few years ago (thinking about it, the first goes back more than a decade, to when I was in school), I did a number of filks based around fantasy gaming, including some songs about dwarven women. Here they are, for the modern reader:

To the tune of "Baby Got Back" (I personally use the Jonathan Coulton arrangement)

I like big beards and I can not lie
You other dwarves can't deny
When a girl walks in with a big thick waist
And hair all over her face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that face was scruffed
Deep in the helm she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that beard you got
Make Me so horny
Ooh, ain't got smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my clan
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupie
I've seen them smithin'
The heck with romancin'
She sweats, wet, gots whiskers like my uncle Chet

I'm tired of elven queens
With their smooth little things
Take the average dwarf and ask him that
Her face has gotta scratch, so
fellas (yeah) fellas (yeah)
Has your dwarf-girl got the beard? (heck yeah!)
Don't let her shave it, shave it
Keep that healthy beard...

Baby got beard...

Hairy face makes for dwarven beauty...

To the tune of Older Women by Ronnie McDowell

Dwarven women, are beautiful lovers
Dwarven women, they understand
I've been around some, and I have discovered
That dwarven women know just how to please a man.
Everybody seems to love those human women
Buck eighteen on up to twenty-five
Well I love 'em too, but I'm tellin' you
Dwarves know to really love, and boy it sure is fine
So baby don't you worry about growin' whiskers
Those elven girls ain't got nothin' on you
Cause it takes some whiskey, to get 'em frisky
And frisky dwarves may just be the ones to teach 'em a thing or two.
I might repost more of these if you beg/fail to bribe appropriately.

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